I'm sitting here, listening to Mom and Dad whine about the current state of affairs. They received Jen's report card from WSU yesterday. So now, they're whining and complaining about how worthless children are and I'm just sitting here typing and thinking I don't ever want to have any. Status quo.

Yes, things are back to normal again. Now I have time to write in my journal. I would be at Brian's right now, still lying in bed if it weren't for the fact that we broke up last night. After everything that we went through, we just couldn't keep it together.

Let me tell you what you missed during the long hiatus. Here is a brief synopis:

Jason broke up with me. I hurt. Brian came along and wanted to hug me, squeeze me, love me and call me George. Okay, not that last part. He came in and took the pain away. Jason was cool with it, but only in the beginning. After a while he started being a bitch and began treating Brian like crap at work. Brian and I continued to see each other, making each other happy as happy could be. We spent every waking moment that we could together. We even arranged it so our days off at work would coincide. And on Sundays when I have to work, he brings me dinner. He was sweet and wonderful, totally and nauseatingly wonderful. I loved and enjoyed it, though. It was a wonderful ego-trip to be on.

A few weeks after school started, I turned into this green-eyed monster. I was jealous of every living thing he came in contact with. This one girl in particular, Adrianne. I tried to dump him over it, but he would not let me. This was during the pregnancy. He threatened to tell my parents about our predicament if I went through with the break up. So we stayed together. I got the abortion shortly after that. He took me to the clinic and waited there for four hours, through the whole procedure. He took care of me afterwards; he even bought me pads for crying out loud. He was sweet and wonderful, totally and nauseatingly wonderful. I loved and enjoyed it, though. It was a wonderful ego-trip to be on.

During and after the abortion, he feared that Jason was trying to tear us apart. Actually, throughout the whole relationship he harbored this nagging paranoia that he would eventually do something wrong and that I would break up with him over it. So he tried to be as nice and kind and generous as he could. He did everything. He tried his best. He was sweet and wonderful, totally and nauseatingly wonderful. I loved and enjoyed it, though. It was a wonderful ego-trip to be on.

Fast-forward last Friday. We went and got ice cream at Maggie Moo's aka The Marble Slab Creamery on the way home. I had a head-ache and wasn't feeling too well so I just left him playing that stupid Tony Hawk skating video game downstairs. I went to bed. He comes up after awhile, supposedly worried about me. He wakes me up and forces me to take Tylenol against my will. I didn't think I needed it, but he's been on this trip for a good while now. He thinks he's my own personal nurse or something. He supposedly stayed up all night, watching and taking care of me. I didn't really think it was necessary. He was sweet and wonderful, totally and nauseatingly wondeful. I loved and enjoyed it, though. It was a wonderful ego-trip to be on.

Like clockwork, I wake up at five in the morning horny. He says no, citing the fact that he stayed up all night to take care of me and he needed to sleep because he had to be at work by ten that day. I'm disappointed but I leave him be so he can have his sleep. Now he won't leave me alone. He thinks I'm upset and he wants to resolve it. We have a major discussion, a long one. We even had an episode in the bathroom. I went to blow my nose and stayed there pondering what to do, like whether or not to masturbate (just kidding). I didn't realize how long I'd been there until he came to fetch me. He was wondering if I was okay. Of course I was. We had another major discussion. I get fed up and leave him there. I wanted to go back to bed. He doesn't relent. Cruelly, I point out to him that if he had let me play we would be sleeping by now. That's the last thing I recall. I wake up again around eight-thirty or nine o'clock. I pack my stuff and leave. He blocked my way at first and wouldn't let me. But then the alarm clock went for the umpteenth time. We both just stood there trying to withstand the noise. It didn't bother me as I stood facing the door ready to walk out. He stood against the door, blocking my way. Finally, after almost ten minutes of that sound, he goes over to turn it off. I reach of the door and try to leave. He comeback and tries to stop me. We struggle for awhile until he realizes how very futile it is. I could not be stopped.

I'm leaving a lot of details off, but the gist of it is that it's over ... finally. He makes me feel so bad, telling me that I'd lied to him all that time, that I'd been deceiving him. He acts as though I just used him and then tossed him away like a toy. Sometimes I get confused. Did I or did I not? I really cared about him at one point, but you know how I am, I'm only nice to you when you are nice to me. When you please me and make me happy, I will be your friend (or lover, whatever the case maybe) but if you don't make me happy there's no point to having you around. I think of myself too much. I am selfish, I know that. He knew that, too. He thought he could succeed at making me happy..

He thought wrong.